Monday, July 21, 2014

That little voice...

Isn't it crazy when you embark on a new journey? The endless questions, internal battles, all asking the same questions "what if"....

I have been on this mental roller coaster for about 18 months. Since we moved to Massachusetts in Sept of 2012.  There were so many "what if" scenarios that played out in my husbands and my head before we made our big move. But I'm here to attest that we are still together, happily married (most days😉), we are not destitute, living on the streets....our children didn't crumble from the trauma of leaving their friends or family, we are not friendless or unhappy with our choices.  So right now I look back and think it was all for naught.   Not worth the time and energy.

But yet here I am snarled into another worrying frenzy.  Allowing  myself to be mentally sucked into the contemplating of my decisions.  As soon as that starts self doubt takes over and I'm rethinking everything.

Last night as the hubs and I snuck away for a date night. We talked about our goals for this year. So many were house related, some were career/family driven.  But then we spoke of my next life goal I talked about my 50 mile run. As soon as you tell anyone your planning on attempting that mileage they say "why?"  "Why would anyone want to do that?" Actually I have that answer.  I want to prove to myself that I am capable of something I never thought possible. In 2009 when I secretly started training for my first 1/2 marathon I thought that was the impossible. Yet here I am.... Crossing the finish!
Long Branch NJ May 2009
 I couldn't even run a mile when I made the commitment to myself.  In 2011 I took it to the next level, my first full marathon.  That was hard... I over trained, was injured, I learned a lot. 
Napa Valley CA, March  2011
Have I won 26.2 for me? No not completely. I have run four marathons none up to my expectations.  Many races have been lost "between my ears". Yes you read that correctly.  You know what I'm talking about we have all experienced it at one time or another, that little voice that says "Yes you can!" or "Are you crazy girl, you can't do this?" That little voice haunts me.

That little voice....controlled me my whole skating career.  My mom would say "Why bother going to the meet you already decided you lost or are going to fall."  She was right.  I was and still am my own worst enemy.  Last year I ran the Hartford 1/2 marathon with my husband.  By mile 6 I had I talked myself out of racing and gave up.  My worst half marathon time ever.  I was so disgusted with myself.  It's pathetic that a 43 year old woman can psych herself out, but I'm laying it all out there and it's the truth. 

But change needs to happen...I need to take back my little voice.  So little voice listen up... I'm hear to tell you your days are numbered! I'm running this 50 mile ultra! I RECEIVED MY LOTTERY SPOT! I'm in and I will win this for me.  I will train on the trails, which I am scared of.  I will push through both physically & mentally and I will not allow you to own me any longer.