And On The 9th Day...

In 9 days I will lay it all on the line.  I will pour my heart over the Boston Marathon course for the third time.  This time I am here for me.  Me...and me alone.  This year I will be racing it for a win for me.  No, I'm not the fastest runner out there.  No, I'm not going for a BQ, (although that would be the cherry on top). But I am I'm running this year to take back the joy of running and racing that was stolen from me on that fateful day in 2013.  (You can read about my 2013 experience here and here)  Last years race was all about just crossing the lucid finish line on Boylston Street.  Do I have a time goal for this year, Heck Yeah I do!  Do I think I'll meet or exceed it? I plan on it!

I have spent 15 weeks pouring over my plan and I have stuck to it like glue.  Snow, sleet, rain, it didn't matter, I am like the mailman, and I got it done.  My instagram feed proves I will not  be defeated by Mother Nature.  My treadmill and I had become serious BFF's for a few weeks.  But it's these last 2 weeks of training called "The Taper" that are killing me.  During this taper phase of training your mind has way too much time to think and that's when fear and doubt creep in.

"Taper: the practice of reducing exercise in the days just before an important competition. Tapering is customary in many endurance sports, such as the long-distance running and swimming. For many athletes, a significant period of tapering is essential for optimal performance."

My hormones are all over the board from the lack of endorphins and nervous energy.  I feel anxious, irritable, even weepy at times.  I just want to go out and run...I want to show myself I can do this.  But it's a proven fact, you need to rest and recover and be slightly under trained to preform your best.

Yesterday my emotions got the best of me.  Tons of self doubt crept into my mind and I couldn't shake it.  I needed to get good thoughts in my head and stomp out the negative ones.  I love running quotes and if you search google there is no shortage of things to read, but nothing seemed to resonate with me.  Sitting at my desk I decided I needed something more personal so I created a vision board.  It wasn't anything fancy or even planned.  I just grabbed a piece of card stock and magazines out of the recycle bin and began cutting words and sentences that felt meaningful.  I haven't done something like this since high school and at first I felt silly.  I mean, here I am a 44 year-old mom of 3 and I'm cutting words out of a magazine. Seriously who has time for this?  But for me it was a reminder of not only how far I've come over the past 15 weeks, but what I have overcome since 2013.  A symbol of what is in store for race day and beyond.  I have to admit it was pretty cathartic and will now serve as a visual reminder of who I am, what I've accomplished and best yet, where I'm headed....

Right on Hereford, Left on Boylston! Boston here I come!

If you had a vision board what words would you choose?  How do you calm fear and anxiety before an important event?

Has it been that long?

So sad I don't post more often...I swear I come up with the most excellent posts at the weirdest times of the day.  Most of my inspiration comes when I'm running.  I think of a topic and write it out in my head but somehow it never makes here to my tiny space on the Internet.  I'm going to try to get better at that.  But lots to share here.  First my lovely fractured ankled is all healed.  Whoo hoo.  It took a long time.  But I can actually say it was a blessing. I didn't feel that way when I was in the midst of it. But I had the pleasure of having a friend visit recently.  She's one of those friends who knows my heart inside and out.  She asked me with caring eye's how I was doing, how I was feeling about my running.  She truly wanted to know.

You know what I mean...there are people who will ask "How are you? How's training?" and they  really don't care or at least don't want intimate details, which lets be honest we as runners LOVE to share!  I told her how last year was so difficult for me mentally.  Having run Boston and having my worst marathon time finish. Then running the Ragnar Cape Cod 2 weeks later, feeling sluggish and having it reek havoc on my body.  Into trying to train for a 50 mile ultra where from the start my body was revolting.  Hip pain, IT Band issues and then just feeling mentally beaten down.  Lastly too running my first trail race in VT with my running coach who is an experienced Ultra Runner and falling, fracturing my ankle.  The year just sucked.  Sucked with a capital S!

But I perked up and said I feel great this time around, stronger than I have in years.  I can't figure out why....She looked at me and said with the utmost compassion.  You really don't see it?  Your body was begging for a rest.  I mean look at what you put yourself through. You needed it both physically and mentally.  It's not surprising to me at all....Not surprising to her at all? Wow! That comment kinda knocked me on my butt.

It was that light bulb moment and I thought "Hell yea, I needed it!"

Since being given the green light to run in December I started slow.  As much as my mind wanted to dive into longer runs I knew I could not risk it.  I built up my mileage. I listened to my body...what a concept.  I have been faithful with stretching and rolling my legs after running.  I have been doing strength training and incorporating spinning back into my mix.  My body has responded in kind and I feel stronger than I have in over 2 years.

find me on instagram: solemomma

I will be taking my third and final attempt at Boston this year.  In 2013 I was running my best marathon ever before the bombings....2014 saw my worst....2015 is my year to own it, crush it for me and feel like what I've put in is what I got out!

Have you ever suffered an injury only to come back physically and mentally stronger?

So You Want To Be A Runner?

Well one thing I'm learning very quickly training for this ultra is that you can't just run and think that's good enough.  I have always been someone who cross trains.  Since moving to MA I have tried multiple gyms to try to find the perfect fit for me.  I like doing classes and also being able to use the free weights and workout on my own.  Over the past two years my cross training has been very haphazard. I go to a few classes, do some of my usual weight routine but nothing consistent.  I can totally feel the places where I need more muscle strength to keep up with the demand of this training program.

It's funny because looking back at all my different race experiences the races that I did well were ones that running was on par with my weight training.  So I'm back at it a minimum of two days a week.  If your looking for a place to start or maybe take your weight training to the next level check out Mountain Athlete. My running coach introduced me to this site and it is awesome.  The people at Mountain Athlete know their stuff!  They have training plans to fit different types of goals, ultra running, mountain climbing, skiing.  They provide video demonstrations of all the different exercises so you can make sure your form is correct.

So if you want to be a runner utra runner, then you cannot just run.  You need to strength train to get your body to perform at it's peak.  Do you strength train?  How often?  What keeps you motivated?  I want to hear all about it!

Boston Marathon 2014 Race Day Recap!

Well I did it! I did cross the infamous finish line that has eluded me since April 15, 2013!  

But....It wasn't my day to PR.  I knew early on that I wasn't going to be able to "race" this event.  First off my wave was slated to leave Hopkinton at 11:25am, but there were 9 corrals per wave, I was in corral 7 with my friends in other waves & corrals.  I tried to get into my friends corral #4 that was within my wave but they were going 100% by the book and I got turned away when I went to enter the corral.  With that said I didn't even start my race until almost noon time, full sun shining down.  We were boxed in like sardines at the start.  Last year it seemed to thin out by mile 4, but not this year.  At mile 6 when I saw my hubby in Framingham we were still packed shoulder to shoulder.  He even commented to me after the race that he didn't know how I could run with people that close all around.

It was a beautiful sunny spring day 72 degrees with no breeze and blue skies.  As a spectator it was lovely.  But as a runner who trained in the 20 degree weather I melted like a candle.  I threw water over my head, ice down my shirt.  I drank so much water that I actually stopped to pee 3 times!  I never stop to pee during a race.  I knew by the 15K mark I was just going to enjoy the day.  The crowds were crazy.  The signs were funny!  Little kids with their hands out to be slapped.  I made sure I took it all in.  My favorite sign was "HEY YOU RANDOM PERSON GO!"  All the towns were fantastic but my favorites were Wellesley and Newton.  People lined the streets screaming.  I had my name on my arm so people would scream your name.  If you raised your arms like I'm doing in the photo below the crowds would go wild!  It was the crowd that carried me to the finish, it wasn't just my race, it was their race too and I felt that connection.  

It was after I crossed the 25 mile mark I became hypersensitive to everything around me.  I took out my headphones so I could concentrate on this moment, on this 1.2 miles that was stolen from me last year.  That last mile last year was such a blur.  I knew by my garmin watch said that I was stopped at mile 25.9 but I could not really remember that actual spot.  I continued down the last 1.2 miles, I kept looking at all that was around me and saying...Nope I made it to here, no here, no here...When I got to the area where I knew I had been stopped I realized I was literally a few 100 feet from turning right onto Hereford street.  

For those of you who don't know the Boston Marathon coarse, Hereford street is a small 1/2 block street you turn right onto and then you turn left onto Boyleston to the Finish.  It was the most surreal moment of my life.  I knew I had been struggling with the events of last year.  It has affected me more than I have wanted to admit or talk about.  My motivation and love of running was squashed.  The safety and serene calmness of running was replaced by angst.  As I looked ahead and saw Boyleston street I felt this emotional release and an odd calmness came over me.  My eyes welled up, I got goosebumps down my arms and legs.  I remember a heaviness in my chest I almost started to cry and I thought, "I'm really going to make it this time".  

It was a tough race.  Emotionally and with the weather conditions.  The Boston marathon is a challenging course filled with hills and the hot weather made it even more difficult. Medic tents were filled with people with heat exhaustion and dehydration.  To say I wasn't disappointed by my time is an understatement. Last year I was slated for a 4:15, and I wanted that moment back.  But this was a different day, a different race and this year I did a 4:57.  Actually my worst marathon finish to date.  But this day wasn't about my time, it was about me taking back my run, my finish line, my Boston!

 

XoXo to all my Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter followers and blog readers~

 Thank you for following my journey, providing words of encouragement, and support.  Next on my list another Marathon in October where I will try to Qualify for Boston and a 50 mile Ultra in November!

Calm Before the Storm, I mean... Boston!

Well it's here....ready or not Monday is a coming people.  I think God had serious taper plans for me this week.  If your not a runner tapering is when you pull back on your mileage prior to race day to give your legs a chance to rest and rejuvenate prior to race day.  My poor little girl has been down for the count since last Saturday, high fevers, congestion, coughing so she has been home sick all week.  This has made me home-bound much of the week.  I haven't been to the gym or cross fit since last week.  Which is a blessing...but driving me crazy!

Poor monkey...on her way to the Dr's in the car...

I have never mastered the art of the "Taper" and I know doing absolutely nothing isn't perfection either but if I told you what I've done in the past this would be perfection.  I am one of those people that is so addicted to the runners high that tapering is so emotionally draining that I breakdown and run something ridiculous the week prior just to keep my sanity.

Let's recap less my desirable tapering efforts over the past, shall we?

1. NJ 1/2 Marathon May 2009- Ran a 3 mile "lock in marathon pace run" on Friday before the race on Sunday.  UGH just plain stupid!  When I told my trainer I thought he was going to kill me.
2. Fairfield 1/2 Marathon May 2009- Ran a 9 miler 1 week prior. Again what was I thinking?
3. Napa Valley Marathon March 2011- Oh this is a good one...ran a 22 miler 3 weeks out, 24 miler 2 weeks prior to race day (in under 4 hours) I was stoked! Then ran an 8 mile tempo run 1 week prior pace 7:30...needless to say I was hurting on race day and many weeks after, horrible finish time on race day.
4. Boston Marathon April 2013- Not as bad, finally smartening up a bit...but did too much cross training in the 2 weeks prior to the race.  Taught multiple spin classes- took a legs class Friday before Mondays race...when will I ever learn?  Although I was crushing my previous marathon times by 20 minutes.  But we won't think about that.

So today I sit here 3 days prior to race day....with this sick little cutie.  Who has saved my legs for me for race day!  Everything happens for a reason!

xoxo~ deana

T-Minus 4 days to the Boston Marathon! Yikes!

My emotional readiness for this marathon is fluctuating like crazy! One day I think GAME ON BOSTON! BRING IT!  The next I say OMG AM I GOING TO BE ABLE TO DO THIS...AGAIN?  I am in full on panic mode with every "what if" scenario running through my head.  I have 3 little's and a husband who I adore..."what if..."

But then my mind becomes logical... I remember how great my race experience was last year.  The crowds, the camaraderie, it was so amazing.  I have to go back.  I have to claim this marathon for me if I don't it will haunt me forever.  Every race is different you can't repeat the past and that is what I am learning.  As much as I want to have that amazing feeling I had last April 15th prior to the horrific bombings, it will never be the same.  It's impossible so we move forward, step by step, day by day.

There is a running quote that is one of my favorites.  I will never forget unfortunately, no one will nor should we.

 If you were here running the Boston marathon you knew exactly where you were at the time of the bombings, what mile marker were you stopped at, me it was 25.9  If you knew anyone who was running you knew where you were when you heard the news....and unless you lived under a rock you knew the events of that day. My memories are burned fresh in my mind.  It's haunting really. The feeling of helplessness, that nothing in your immediate future is in your control is a very real and scary feeling. 

I live in the Boston area and the hype over this years marathon is crazy.  I am so proud of my city and the way they are rising up from last years tragic events.  But at the same time it makes me jittery.  It didn't help that on Tuesday night they arrested some man with a hoax bomb.  The media says it's going to be the safest place on earth to be next Monday...but then I think there are still crazy,    psychotic, terrorists in this world who would like nothing less than to break our spirit.    

One of my closets friends and my running mentor and I spoke on Monday.  She said "Deana I am so in awe of you, going back to finish the race.  I don't know if I would have it in me to do that."  I guess for me there was no question about whether or not I would go back.  I just know I have to...to take control back.  I have spoken with my mother over the last few days who lives in NJ so I haven't seen her since December.  I told her that I really missed her and just felt like I needed to see her before the race.  (Do you ever feel like that?...like, man I need my mom).  Well even at 43 sometimes a good ol' fashioned hug and a few words of wisdom from your momma are all you need to make it all OK.  Unfortunately it's not in the cards to see her prior to the race, so a phone call or two will have to suffice.  But she sensed my uneasiness and asked me what was bothering me.  She listened nonjudgmentally and then said; "I think what is bothering you is that you were stranded last year in the city, not knowing what was happening, how to get home.  So get your plan together now."  She was right.  It took me over 5 hours to get out of Boston.  I wound up dehydrated, sunburned and panic stricken.  So that night I looked over the map of the finish line, I studied the T-stations and commuter lines and figured out how I could get out of the city if I need too.  I am planning on going home with friends, but that was my plan last year and we all know how that ended...

I cannot live my life in fear of the what if's...So today, with 4 days left until race day, I chose JOY....I chose to LIVE....I chose to RUN the 118th Boston Marathon!

xoxo my friends,

Deana

21 Days and Counting....Boston Baby!

Counting backwards that is.....21days from today I will be running the 118th Boston Marathon.  To say I am getting excited, scared and full of anxiety would be an understatement.  If you had asked me in the beginning of March if i was "ready" my answer would have been an emphatic no.  But I have to say this past month like any other training plan gives you, the runner, a sneak peek at how all of your training thus far has been and what race day can look like and I can finally say "I'm ready!"

{picture via BAA- Facebook}

What do I mean by that well in a typical 16 week marathon training plan the first two months are spent building your endurance, basically getting in the mileage.  The third month you get into the higher mileage, you run longer tempo runs and you get to see a glimpse of things to come.  For me this past month has been an emotional roller coaster with my training.  I have put so much pressure on myself to meet certain goals that I'm defeating myself in my head before I even toe the line.  Totally crazy right!  I mean first of all lets be honest I'm not going to win the race.  But winning for myself is important, crossing that finish line is wicked important since I didn't get to do that last year (you can read about my Boston experience past year here and here) and setting a personal best would be the cherry on top.
So I was feeling really low about my training, doubting the process as many marathoners do.  This winter has been so brutal and this is the first winter I have not belonged to a gym to be able to use the treadmill.  So if i didn't get my butt outside in the -4 degree weather running simply didn't happen.  I have been doing cross fit 2-3 times a week, bikram yoga and running.  The cross fit is new for me and well I haven't quite figured out where it all fits into my running life.  Some of the workouts are so rigorous that my legs are just totally spent.  So that has also been challenging.  The turning point for me was an 8 mile tempo run that I crushed! I came back looked at my time and almost cried.  I said to my husband I needed that! Mentally I needed one awesome run to pump me up and this one was it.  I felt like I was on fire, unstoppable!

{pic via- solemomma instagram}

8 miles at an 8:32, I haven't done that since 2009 and that included to 1/2 mile hills, one in the beginning and one at mile 6.  The funny thing about my last couple of runs is that I have run for heart rate, NOT pace.  I don't look at my pace at all, which for me with my Nikeplus sports watch or my Garmin is hard to do.  But it's working for me.  My 20 miler this past week was also pretty good.  My knee started giving me issues at mile 15, but I continued.  My heart rate was higher than I wanted I'm not sure if it was because it was much colder.  I do think the higher heart rate did affect my overall pace.  I still have a lot to learn about running and heart rate but I was still very pleased.

{pic via solemomma instagram}

So there you have it 21 days and counting...now if we can get Mother Nature to cooperate, not too hot, not too cold things will be great!  Tell me do you run for heart rate, pace or neither.  I'm curious to know.  Happy Monday!

xo~ deana

A marathon is just like pregnancy...who knew!

Ahhhh I cannot believe that it's only 4 and 1/2 weeks until the Boston Marathon. This journey seems like its been a long time in the making, actually I have been anticipating this day since April 15th last year when I was stopped at mile 25.9 and never got to finish the race. You can read my story here & here.

I would liken the process of training for a marathon to having a baby. When your pregnant it's nine months of what if's...planning out the small details, eating right, sleeping more.
Kind of like what I'm doing now. I accepted my number in August. But have had it in my mind since last April. I needed to finish something that was incomplete. But this training year has been different. I really needed to psych myself up to the thought of training another 26.2. It is kind of like the first month you decide to stop using birth control. You say "holy crap, am I really doing this?" I made my training plan using the runners coach and the Nike+ apps. Then I took the two plans my knowledge from my previous three marathons and I rewrote it and refined it. I agonized over it and then just like peeing on a stick and getting a positive pregnancy test it was week 16 and time to start the process. No turning back now.

The obstacles of this winter training have been numerous. Snow covered roads, ice, and zero degree temps were like first trimester nausea. I kept thinking "Why am I doing this?" Getting into a routine with training is like the nesting phase of pregnancy! When you start to believe anything is possible. Your runs start to flow, and your mileage builds, you actually start to feel confident and excited about what you have started. But then the last trimester sets in. You begin to feel tired again. Your long training runs are exhausting. I would liken a long run of 18-20 miles to pre-term labor or braxton-hick contractions. They can be painful and annoying but don't produce the end result. Tapering for a runner is like being on partial bed rest. Your advised to now pull back on what your doing in order for a "good result" on delivery day ie: race day. Many people during tapering or those last few weeks of pregnancy are cranky, uncomfortable and "ready to get this over with".

On Monday April 21st I'm scheduled to be at the starting line at 9:30am. It will be like checking in for labor induction (which I did with my third pregnancy). You go to bed the night before knowing that what happens tomorrow will be life changing. You walk into the hospital much like getting to the starting line, your tense and nervous. You just want to get out there and get it done, your ready, and if your not ready well...it's happening anyway! The morning of the event you wake up early and have a good breakfast, because god only knows when you might eat again. You've had your bag packed for the hospital or race for days, but you re-check it to make sure all the important gear is there. You pack snacks and drinks for the many hours ahead of you. You get to the starting line, much like getting to your birthing room. You hunker down, get comfortable with your surroundings, it's going to be a long couple of hours. The gun goes off the race begins. Pitocin starts your contractions off easy at first. Just like the first 6-10 miles, this is a piece of cake. No epidural needed, no water breaks for you, your on a role! By mile 15-18, your asking the nurse for an epidural, your searching out the next water station, checking your garmin to see how much longer this is going to take. If there was an epidural for the mile 20 wall you'd gladly take it. But no you press on. Mile 23, the doctor tells you it's time to push. You're in the home stretch. You try to focus on that finish line, the bliss you will feel when this is all done. The culmination of your months of hard work are going to pay off. You push and push, willing your legs to move. You inch that baby closer to birth. When you cross the finish line, tears of joy steam down your face. Much like the tears of joy of hearing the first cry of your new baby. You did it- you accomplished what you thought was impossible and end result is bliss!

A Cold Winters Day...

This has been my most challenging winter yet with training for Boston our fridig temps here in the northeast are brutal. This morning it is a balmy 20 degrees with a windchill of 12.  Thankfully not too windy and sunny so I will try to get in my 18 miler.

I thought I would post a few of my newest favorite tunes.  I am so motivated by music and I am constantly finding new ones to down load.  I like to try to get club remixes that tend to be longer and have more instrumentals thrown in.  Here's 5 of my latest and greatest all available on iTunes.

• How I Feel~ Flo Rida
• Your Love~ Morgan Page featuring The Outfield - extended remix
• Hypnotize~ The Nortorious B.I.G
• Wild Wild Love~ Pitbull
• Mmm Yeah~ Austin Mahone featuring Pitbull

What are some of your favorite tunes?  Do you blast them in the car with your kids or do you sing like a crazy person when your alone?  I do both of the above and have been know to belt out a tune while running as well.  Yes I am that crazy girl singing while running! Hey someones gotta do it!  Off to run!

xo~
Deana

My Boston Experience...Part2

That night after returning home I climbed into bed and laid with my husband. I physically felt so ill.   I told him I wanted to go to the hospital, that I felt I was so behind the 8-ball with my hydration that I simply couldn't catch up. But instead of going to the hospital my husband woke me every 20 minutes or so and made me drink 4-6 oz of fluid.  The next morning I got up and turned on the TV. Living here in the Boston suburbs it was on every network. I watched about an hour and I simply didn't want to see it any more. By then the home phone was ringing off the hook. My mother, best friends, in-laws all wanted to talk with me and I basically retold my story over and over.  It was mentally exhausting.  It wasn't until my talking to my mother-in-law and I said "Really, it's no big deal" she said "Deana you survived a terrorist attack"...my mind went blank....I started to sob and say "Omg I did".  I dodged a huge life changing event.

Pic via: http://www.bet.com

My Facebook page was blown up with messages...people commenting back and forth... have you heard from her...is she ok.  Thankfully my sister posted on my page shorty after the bombings when she had heard from my mother that I was ok.  My cell phone had over 20 voice mails and 40 texts.  I never listened to my voice mails until 4 days later.  The voice mails were so hard to listen too.  One of my closets friends called frantically panicking, her voice shaking, you could hear her tears, "Deana where are you...we were tracking you on the computer....I know you crossed the 25 mile mark...where are you!"  I still hear that voicemail in my head and it sends chills up my spine.  People who I haven't spoken too in years were calling.  One friend in particular, with whom I had a, not so great parting of the ways, called after 3 years of silence in our relationship, which sent a whole other set of emotional baggage into play.  It was nuts and draining on so many levels.  But all in all the out pouring of people who cared about me was amazing.  People in my new town who at that time didn't know me very well, called, brought flowers.  They rallied.  The women of my book club all wrote me amazing messages and my friend Kathy delivered them to me to read.  Their words of encouragement were inspiring.

But over that week my mind started to process the many "coincidences" of the day.
1.  My hubs starting a project at work & not being able to come to the finish.
2.  My sitter saying she didn't feel comfortable bringing my kids to the finish.
3.  Putting my phone in my zipper pocket at the last minute, when I have never ran with my phone in a race.
4.  Having a $5 bill in my water bottle zipper pocket that's been there for 2 years.
5.  Walking Heartbreak Hill....you see if I hadn't walked Heartbreak hill I would have been in downtown.  I trained for running Heartbreak....my focus was just to run/jog no matter how slow. But I didn't.

So are these coincidences or acts of divine intervention?  That was a question that haunted me for many weeks following the race.  I believe with all my heart the latter.  It's the "why" did God help me and not others I struggled with.  I also was angry...Angry at the men who took the safety and sanctity of running from me.  Running has been my release, my escape, my way of dealing with stress and depression, my joy. That joy was taken, tarnished.  I have never "feared" for my safety or the safety of my family at a race.  But now that has changed.

Friends, Kim, Tara & I posing on the finish.
This is the only time I  got to see the finish line was
the day before when I picked up my number.

I also didn't get to cross the infamous finish line. It's a marathoners right of passage. You pound the payment week after week imagining race day. You project your time and envision the finish.  On race day the last 1/4 mile of a race are electric. You run down the street to thousands of screaming spectators. People cheer for you even though they do not know you. The amazing thing about road racing is that in the moment those spectators are there with you...fighting for you to finish strong.  But I never got that satisfaction. The days that followed many people said "Well you were close enough, it counts."  I said "Until you run under that timer and have some random person put a medal around your neck, you don't feel like you finished. Something is left incomplete."  I have to give the Boston Athletic Association (BAA) props, I did receive a medal, but it still doesn't feel like I earned it.  The BAA also gave anyone who reached the 13.1 mile marker and didn't cross the finish line an opportunity to claim a number for this years race, which is an unprecedented decision.  I applause the BAA for being empathetic and giving those of us a chance to finish what we started.

So now as I prepare for this years race and have had time with my thoughts on my long runs. In part1 I talked about the race day a little.  Preparing for Boston last year was my lifeline.  We had just moved to a new state, a new town.  I was a newly full-time stay at home mom, which I have never been, I have either worked full time or part time my whole life.  Training each day was my soul purpose other than my wifely/motherly household duties.  I had no friends, running and working out was my everything.  So going into the race day I felt fantastically prepared!  This was my moment.
 I am sad to admit that I am scared for race day.  Safety...Um Yes...I can tell you that neither my husband or children will be at the finish line this year, and I am a-ok with that.  But not even that as much as how I felt last year vs this year, physically and mentally.

Prior to the bombings I was having the race of my life.  I felt great, I made it to the start line uninjured (which is a feat for some runners, including me). The weather was perfect (which I had yet to get perfect race day conditions at any of my other marathons), I was crushing my previous marathon times by 20 minutes!!!  Whoot whoot a personal best and I was having a blast. Each town you run through in Boston has it's own vibe which is palpable.  Literally it was one of the top 10 days of my life.  But if I'm being completely honest I'm scared I will not be able to live up to that again.  I want that....I feel I deserve that ending.  But we all know life doesn't give us perfect scenario re-dos and not living up to my own expectations is so scary to me.  My husband said to me the other day "why are you giving up?"  I guess I hadn't thought about it that way.  But in my mind I was...expecting the worst.  But I'm changing my attitude.  I'm going to do this and enjoy every little minute!

So thank you dear readers for reading and commenting....It's not as horrific as what some people experienced, but it is my story and it has shaped how I look at life now.  I try to be more present, enjoy the little things because it can be taken in an instant when you least expect it.

xo~ Deana

My Boston Experience...Part1

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So even when I was blogging last year I never addressed my experience at the Boston Marathon.  It always just seemed to raw.  It's only now as I am preparing for this years race that I am really processing what the Boston Marathon means to me personally.  Anyone who ran the race last April has a story.  They know exactly where they were when the bombings occurred. My experience is only a fraction of the terrible events of that day.  But it's my story...

The days leading up to the race my hubby informed me he was not going to be able to come to the finish line because he was initiating a computer "thingy" at work.  To say I wasn't happy was an understatement.  I remember saying to him, "I'm running the Boston Marathon, and your not coming?" I was crushed.  Our sitter, a MA native and 27 year old nanny was planning on bringing my three children into the city to see me cross the finish line.  But the night before she called me and explained "I just don't feel comfortable going in with the kids."  Ugh that was the icing on the cake.  So I would have no one waiting for me at the finish, except the group I was going to ride home with.  The night before the race I started to get antsy. I didn't know Boston at all and with over 25,000 runners I was afraid to get lost and not find my group.

The day started like any other race, tons of excitement and adrenaline flowing.  never...let me repeat never...ran a race with my cell phone.  But for some reason I was compelled to have it.  I had no plan of where I was going to put it or how I would carry it, I just took it.  So I jammed the phone in the back pocket of my running skirt & zipped it shut.  It wasn't pretty but I had it.  Little did I know it would be my life line later in the day.  We arrived in plenty of time to walk up the port-a-potties and drop off our race bags.  When I was putting my race bag on the bus I quickly asked for my bag back.  I took my cell phone out.  Something in me felt like I had to have it.  I have

I have to say I was so fortunate to run with my high school friends Tara an amazing ultra runner and Kim who blogs over at This Runner's Fuel.  I quickly became buddies with a friend of Tara's named Erik who was a first time Boston runner too!  We chatted and quickly knew our racing abilities were very much alike so we decided to start out together.  It was an amazing morning. Temps starting in the upper 40's with sunshine and blue skies.  As we started off I just tried to take it all in.  I was here...in Hopkinton running the Boston Marathon!  I read every sign, watched the crowd, read the backs of every ones tee shirts.  The energy was palpable. I was so surprised at mile 6 when Eric slapped me on my arm & said "Do you know that guy?" I looked over to see my hubby waving his arms frantically and calling my name!  I bolted over cutting off a few people in the process (they were not happy & not good race equate, but I didn't care) I hugged him as hard as I could, he gave me a water bottle and off I went.  That gave me so much pep in my step I was beaming.  I just kept yelling I can't believe he came! Eric and I stayed together until about mile 12.  We lost each other at an aide stop.  I waited on the side but did not see him, so I went along by myself.

Mile 17 started the hill section of the course.  I had worked hard during my training to conquer Heartbreak Hill.  Every long run would end with a 1/2 mile incline to simulate Heartbreak Hill.   My goal was to run it, no matter how slow.  I hit the first two hills with ease and thought wow, I've got this! But little did I know that at Mile 20 the final hill, the legendary Heartbreak, that rises a half-mile would break me.  My legs were shot, it was now hot and sunny...I succumbed to walking.  I was so disappointed in myself, but I had 6 more miles to finish so there wasn't much time for sulking.

As I descended into the last 6.2 miles towards downtown Boston the crowds got crazy.  It was wall to wall people.  When I got to the last mile there were barricades holding back the crowds although it didn't stop people from running out into the street.  It was chaotic and I was just trying to focus on finishing.   I was keeping a close eye on my watch and my predicted finish time, I could not believe I was 20 minutes faster than my previous Marathon times!  I was on fire.  I was at mile 25.9 (according to my garmin gps watch) when the first bomb struck.  I did not hear the bombs because I had my headset on.  I remember running and then there were people running toward us saying stop and a massive human pile up began.  (Think about it this way, they estimate 150 people or more cross the finish line at that time.)  All those people just kept coming.  They had no idea what was going on.  It wasn't long before people said they closed the finish line....but no one knew why.  My first thought was "Ugh how are they going to calculate my time".  I know that sounds selfish but that's the honest truth of what I knew and how I felt in that moment.  As I stood there, ton's of helicopters started flying in over head.  It didn't seem unusual because there were helicopters following the elite runners earlier in the day.  I took my phone out of my pocket and tried to make a call.  Like everyone else we had no cell service.  Little did we know that cell service was cut off because they were afraid that more bombs were going to be ignited via cell phones.  My phone caught service after about 5 minutes and it was my husband frantic.  He was panicked asking if I was ok.  I was really not understanding his concern.  He told me there was an explosion at the finish line.  I said "they told us they are going to re-open."  He said "Deana they are not going to reopen, it's bad...get out of there."  It was then that it started to hit me.  We were packed in the barricades like sardines, sitting ducks.  I didn't know Boston or where I was, so I got my wobbly legs over the barricade and started walking.   At the same time my phone was literally on fire...text messages...phone ringing.  I didn't have a full battery and could see it draining from all the calls.  My mother got through and said, "Deana where are you?" I said "Mom, I'm fine I can't talk I don't have much battery", click. (When I talked to her the next day she said that was the best conversation she's ever had).  By this time Tara, had reached me,  her husband and 3 children had been on Boyelston street but at the other end, thank god!  She said "I'm getting my kids in the car and getting out of here."  "Go!" I said, "I'll be ok."  She said Jay, her husband would come to get me, but as the city went into lock down mode all of our attempts to meet up were futile.  I made my way to the Charles River and walked over it onto the campus of MIT.  Some wonderful young couple saw me standing on the corner in a daze and asked me if I had just run the marathon.  When I said yes and she took the jacket she had on and gave it to me.  It was one of the most amazing acts of kindness and grace I have ever received.

I walked and walked every T-station I came too was shut down.  My husband was on the phone pleading with me to sit and wait for him to come. But the city was literally in lock down and there was no way he was getting in to get me.  I knew my legs were on the verge of quitting and if I stopped to sit I would not get up again.  I finally made it to a T-station that was going out bound only.
I pulled 5 dollars out of my zipper pouch of my water bottle.  That $5 had been in my zipper pouch for 2 years.  I bought ticket to a nearby town and got on the train.  When I got out I called Jay to tell him where I was.  But he was still unable to get me.  My heart sank.  I had no clue where I was.  I had $2 left and my cell phone was almost dead.  My husband told me to ask a cabbie if he could pay for my fare over the phone with a credit card.  I finally was able to convince a cabbie to take me to my friends house.  It was an hour and 1/2 cab ride because the grid lock was horrible.  When I arrived it was almost 7pm.  I was so sick...literally.  My body was revolting against me, I hadn't had anything to drink since the final aid station at around 2pm in the afternoon.  I had awful diarrhea and stomach cramping.  I had a headache and was sunburned.  I drank some coconut water, got in the shower and started to cry.  The 6 of us who started the day together met up to talk and try to make sense of the events that occurred.  But my mind was elsewhere and I just wanted to get home.  At about 9:30 pm I finally felt well enough to drive the 45 minutes home. When I got home I collapsed into the arms of my hubby crying.  I went upstairs and kissed my babies all of whom were sleeping like angels.  My sweet daughter Sophie had made me a "medal" and left it on my pillow because my husband had told her I didn't get to finish and get one.

Tune in for the conclusion and why I have chosen now to share my story with you.

xoxo- Deana