I think I mentioned I ran the Cape Cod Ragnar race in May. Just two short weeks after Boston. I wasn't running on the freshest legs and it was a hard experience. Hard mentally and physically. But it was on my 2nd leg at 4am that I had a "Come to Jesus" moment. I was coming off of running at 7pm, one and half hours sleep and doing it again at 4am. When I was running there was not a soul on the road, I was completely alone. My music was annoying me so I turned it off and just listened to the world waking up around me as I pounded the payment. My body was cramping, my legs felt like lead, I was practically in tears. This 6 mile leg felt like 600 miles. I remember prodding along my legs weary and I thought I don't want to train for another marathon... I don't have it in me...I'm tapped out emotionally.
The Boston Marathon although amazing in some respects, was a total downer for me this year. In 2013 I was having the race of my life, (you can read more about my full Boston experiences here and here). But in 2013 I was 20 minutes faster than any of my previous marathons, I was on my game the stars were aligned. 2014 the conditions were HOT, the course was so crowded you couldn't race it if you wanted too. I walked multiple times and I ended with my worst marathon time ever. Mentally that wrecked me. Right after Boston I was determined to try to qualify. After the race my friend Tara said We will find a race and qualify in the fall. At that point functioning on my runners high I was like YES we will, game on! After Boston I immediately went home and started researching the best BQ marathons for the fall. I even registered for one. But after my runners high subsided from Boston and the mental crap I thought about during my lonely runs at the Cape Cod Ragnar I knew it wasn't for me. When I was talking to Tara we were sharing our struggles with motivation, goals etc. I finally got up the courage and told her; "I just don't have it in me to try to train and qualify for Boston is that bad?" Just to say it out load was huge for me. Putting it out there was scary because I don't want to seem like a quitter, I didn't want to let her down, but at the same time needed to be true to myself. Her response was was an emphatic "no it's not". Ahhhh it was out there. I had support, I wasn't condemned. The running Gods didn't strike me down.
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| Atalanta the accent Greek Goddess of Running |
Finally I let that huge secret roll off my shoulders. It had been a big weight I was carrying mentally, really since Boston 2013, only realized in 2014. I told her that my two experiences at Boston were both amazing in their own way, but I'm just not there anymore. I want this Ultra. I want to trail run. I want to push through the mileage and do something that requires more effort than I ever thought possible. That's where my mind is at, not qualifying for Boston, at least not right now. So this past week I have been working on my Ultra plan, which I will share as soon as it's been tweaked. My friend Tara will be my coach since she is an Ultra veteran having two 100 milers under her belt and a few 50 milers to boot! I do have some road races planned in the fall. A 25K and a 50 mi trail relay in Sept. I am still planning on a mid Oct marathon but I will not try to BQ, it's more of a training run for my Ultra and then the Ultra in November. Whoot Whoot!
So I've put it out to the universe...my goals have changed and it's ok...More importantly I'm ok with it. It's the love of the run that I crave. The thrill of accomplishing something I never thought I could do. That's what gets me out each day.
xoxo~ deana
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